I'm not special.

As the oldest, you tend to inherit traits that seem to come with the territory. Not by choice, and not as an excuse, but simply because those patterns develop over time. You don't realize it until much later. For me, that often looked like trying to keep the peace or standing up for the underdog. However, it often came at my own expense. I never realized that my behavior could be seen as controlling or that people would think it wasn't my place. I just couldn't understand how people could speak so poorly about someone I loved, so I always took their side, even when it didn't always make sense.

It may have been age, wisdom, or simply weariness. Whatever it was, I eventually realized the street was never two ways. It had always been a one way street. I spent so much time trying to create a second lane that, when I finally stopped trying, I noticed the silence.

That's when I realized the intent and the effort had always been on my part. I felt kind of foolish. Sad for the time I wasted, and sad that I finally understood what people had been trying to tell me all along which was something I refused to see.

I wasn't special.

The person I defended treated me the same way they treated everyone else, and somehow that is the saddest part of all. I really believed it was a two way street. I believed they were just misunderstood.

Then you realize you have a choice. You can keep pushing. Keep making the effort despite their silence and despite the little effort they give, which seems to lessen over the years. Or you can stop.

Now you're faced with the realization that you never really had what you thought you had.

You tell yourself it's better to know now than to keep wasting your time and your energy where it isn't returned. But it still hurts all the same. It hurts to realize you were never as special as you believed you were. It hurts to realize you were never enough of a priority.

You realize you left a long time ago because you had to. And there's no point in returning, because there isn't anything to return to.