I never thought my life would look like this. Covid, losing my Dad, and then the suicide of a friend all in the span of a few years left me with crippling fear and anxiety. My dream of moving around the country or taking a cross country trip fizzled for a few reasons. I also lost the stamina and wonder to explore and drive for long distances without a care in the world. I did try to take a trip to see if I could bust through my paralysis but I ended up driving as far as to the western part of the state to turn around in rush hour traffic and drive back home. Most will say that when death hits their life, they feel an urgency and fragility to their time on earth. It was the opposite for me, time seemed to languish and trapped me on a ferris wheel that I desparately wanted to escape from but could not find my footing to get off. My Dad was my anchor and he was there for us for so long afer my Mom passed. I never married or had kids so my world is different for me from most of my friends, neighbors and colleagues. It just means that I have to make bigger efforts to stay conneted to the community and friends.
I share these intimate thoughts as a good reminder to myself and to others if they choose. My Dad helped me write a paper in junior high school. It was about "looking through or in the window" of colonial Williamsburg. I can't remember the exact title or much of the contents but the premise was about what is behind the window that we see. What strikes me now is that there are decorative pretty windows and plain sturdy windows but they all serve a purpose. We don't always know what is on the other side of the window and it's not really fair for us to share what we think we see or why we think they have not moved on. We only know what we see outside our own window. I hope that I choose to remember this story when I feel the world is unfair or grief is hitting me again as I listen to the dishwasher.
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